The Soul, Relationships, and Maturity

I think everyone understands, or at least can relate to, that period of time when we grow up called puberty. It's an awkward time marked by growth, either excessive confidence or lack thereof, and an increased sense of independence.

With this image in mind, we tend to think our spirituality simply grows up with us. We have the spirituality of a teen when we're teenagers. We then gain experience, we grow up a little bit, and when we become more adult we have an adult spirituality to go along with it.

But what if I were to suggest to you that it doesn't always work like that?

The truth about our bodies is the same as our mind and spirit: our bodies become slow, stiff, and fat if we outright neglect them. Most of us don't work out, but our bodies are still serviceable—we can walk, lift things, and move around without much hassle.

Our minds and spirits/souls are the same—but they work differently. Our bodies grow up naturally, and our bodies are the way we express ourselves. We can't escape that fact, and thus the body we have is both the one we earn and the one life gives us. For the average person it is simply that, average. We don't play in the NBA, we don't make money for being fit or beautiful, but our bodies do their job.

Allow me, for the moment, to offer this simple list to explain what I mean:

Body—it grows and fades with effort and time respectively.
Mind—it grows and wanes with effort and time respectively.
Soul—it grows and wanes with effort and relationships and these are directly proportional at all times (or nearly all times).

A word of warning: I exaggerate the differences between our body, mind, and soul to emphasize a point. These three are all intertwined as one—really, even mind and soul may be considered as one. Again, I say this to emphasize something about our spiritual lives.


When you notice the way our body, mind, and souls develop you can also see why we feel that the soul grows just as the other parts do. But the point I want to get across is this: most of us in one way or another are in a sort of soul-puberty. The difference between this puberty and our bodily one is that we don't feel the awkwardness as obviously.

Indeed, you may say that our soul is in a perpetual state of puberty—it is always growing up, whereas our bodies grow up and then grow old. Difficult situations, situations of grief, pride, anger, and temptation often reveal the real immaturity that we have. Rather, it reveals the growing up required to take the next step—but this itself is a gift, not a curse.

I say that our souls grow with effort and relationships. The effort that the soul requires is similar to what a body and mind require. Simply put, it takes plain old hard work. The soul grows by making the right choices: telling the truth, being humble, not taking advantage of others, doing what is right. In order words, it is doing the right thing, even when it's difficult. The soul's growth is stunted when we gossip, can't find it in our hearts to forgive, feel that we don't need God or anyone else, or feel like everyone else's lives are better than ours.

But remember that we're in a state of puberty. We'll make mistakes—the recognition of those mistakes is the first step towards growth.

Now, I mentioned that relationships help the soul grow. This itself is perhaps more important and in some ways the more practical starting point. Not only do friends help us grow, but true friends make us better people. Our very society is based on relationships. Our lives are based off of relationships: man and wife, mother and her child in the womb, and the family.

In fact, the whole of Christian life, often seen as a relationship with God, has its origin, in practice at least, in the "other."

"If anyone says 'I love God,' but hates his brother, he is a liar; for whoever does not love a brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. This is the commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother" (1 Jn 4:20).

Augustine also says, to paraphrase, that 'although love of God is primary, the love of our brothers and sisters is more immediate and happens first.'

Our soul always exists in proximity to God and always in proximity to others. We need an "other" to grow as a human being. We realize keenly with friendships and familial relationships that proximity has a great deal to do with the foundation and upkeep of those relationships. As truer relationships develop, however, they do not require constant contact. When two close friends/family members are close to one another (after being separated) the feeling is immediately familiar, stable, and completing.

If we see Christianity as just a personal relationship with God we deny the fundamental context of our birth and our life. Christianity is not just a relationship—we are an assembly, a Church, a Kingdom, and a family.

Let's now bring this discussion back to the beginning. We are in puberty, and we aren't aware of it most of the time. The only way we can grow is not by working alone as if we were perfecting a craft, but by living with others. We can only grow up by growing up with them. This is why we need others and this is why we need the Church. This is why Jesus calls us mothers, brothers, and sisters—this is why God sees Himself in the poor, the oppressed, and the least. This is why Jesus leaves the ninety-nine to retrieve the one: those who are separated, isolated, and alone die a death worse than a physical one, their soul dies.

Pay special attention to the psalmist:

"As a deer longs for streams of water,
so my soul longs for you, O God.
My being thirsts for God, the living God. ...

When I went in procession with the crowd, I went with them to the house of God, amid loud cries of thanksgiving, with the multitude keeping festival.

Why are you downcast, my soul; why do you groan within me?
Wait for God, whom I shall praise again, my savior and my God" (Ps 42: 2-3a, 5b-6).

God loves us and we long for that complete union with Him as intensely as an animal needs water. We reach that union by raising our souls properly—we do this by raising each other up.

"Encourage one another and build one another up ... admonish the idle, cheer the fainthearted, support the weak, be patient with all. See that no one returns evil for evil; rather always seek what is good [both] for each other and for all. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit" (1 Thes 5:11, 14-19).


May God bring us all to an ever closer unity with Him and one another.